blooper=boner, blotch, blunder, bungel, bu-bu, foul-up, flub
goof, embarrasing plublik blunder, klumbsee werding, mistake
tung-tied twister
krats kall it "grammatically incorrect variations in english"
250. bloopers, jenral, misc
1. a kold is kauzed bi mikro orgasims in yer nose.
2. a large gruep av mad mops attaked the kops.
3. add small feces av fishes.
4. chop all the vegatarians intu small peeses.
5. danjerus tu smoke wile yu R bekumming pregnant.
6. dont forget tu insult the suep
7. du yu like this food? I made it from skratching.
8. du yu like yer koffee kremated?
9. I am so eeger tu mate yu.
jenral bloopers
10. I had a littel ass dent this morn.
11. I never liked mushrooms, but now em R starting tu gro in me.
12. it took me 10 minuts tu ignite mi kar
13. Kar deeler: Best wae tu get bak on yer feet...miss 1 kar paement.
14. me & mi brother share a small womb in the basement.
15. me & mi girlfreend got enraged last nite.
16. mi bed hav 3 blankets & mi parents gave me a big gilt.
17. mi father gav me a hog, then he hogged mi wife.
18. mi leg has ben braking for 3 weeks.
19. muffler shop: we heer yu kummin
jenral bloopers
20. Persy was eltokuted bi akseedent. Must hav ben a grate shok for all.
21. plumber: we fix wot yer husband fixed
22. put the kabbaej in salt water, then sit in the sink til morn.
23. raen make kars lust. Wons a kar start lusting, nuthang tu du bout it.
24. recipe...heet up yer pant reel hot, then add oil.
25. shood I hav a koma in the middel av the sentens?
26. the cheerleeders thru up hi in the aer.
27. the kuntree was devastated bi a long trout.
28. we liv on the sex floor. Small apartment but good vyu.
29. yu kant sleep with me, its 2 krowded. Sleep with mi sister,
all the freends du wen em visit.
jenral bloopers
30. yu look sad. Du yu wanna expose yerself tu me?
251. bloopers, klassified ads in nuzpaper
see also...nuzpaper hedlines
1. 2 femael Boston Terreer pups, 7 weeks old, perfekt marks
2. 3-yeer old teecher for preskuel. xpeereeansed.
3. 4-post bed. 101 yeers old, good for anteek luver
4. anteek desk good for lady with thik legs & big drawers.
5. dinner speshal: turkee 2.35$, beef 2.25$, kids 2.00$
6. dog for sale. Eet NE-thang, xtra fond av kids
7. fine food expertlee served bi waetress in appetizing form
8. food kooked tu yer likeness
9. for rent: 6-room hated apartment
klassified ad bloopers
10. for sale: 8 pups from German Shepard & Alaska Hussy
11. for sale: anteek desk, good for lady with thik legs & big drawers
12. for sale: turkee, half eeted
13. get rid av aunts. Zap duit in 24 hrs
14. get yer eers peersed & take home an xtra paer 2
15. gifts for the hard-tu-find persun.
16. girl wanted tu help magician kut-off-hed. Blue Kross+pae.
17. grate dames for sale
18. hand made gifts for the hard-tu-find person.
19. hav Viagra. need woman, NE woman tween 18 & 80
klassified ad bloopers
20. hotel hav kumfortabel beds & other athletik facilitees
21. illiterat? Rite tudae for help.
22. it take many ingreedeents tu make Burger King
"the sekret ingreedeent is peepl"
23. kar repaer. Tri us 1 time & yu'll never go NE-weer agin.
24. lost: small poodel, nuetered like 1 av the famlee
25. man, onest, will take NE-thang
26. Mount Killamanjaro...brethtaking. Swin in pool & drink it all in.
27. our bikinis R xsiting...simplee the tops.
28. our mom will take kare av yer kid. Fensed yard, food, & smaks inkluded.
29. semi-annual Christmass sale
klassified ad bloopers
30. several old dresses from grandmother in byuteful kondishun
31. sheer stokkings. For fansee dress. So good lots av wemen weer nuthang els.
32. sofas, 300$. for the rest or the fore plae.
33. stok up & save. limit:1
34. swim in the luvlee pool wile yu drink it all in
35. tired av kleening self? Let me duit
36. toester: automatikally bern toest
37. vakashun speshal: hav yer home exterminated wile yer gon
38. wanted: 50 girls for stripping masheen operaters
39. wanted: chambermaed in rektree. Luve in. 200$/month. referensed required.
klassified ad bloopers
40. wanted: haer kutter. grate groeth potenshal.
41. wanted: man tu take kare av kow that dont smoke or drink
42. wanted: mother's helper. Pesent werking kondishuns.
43. wanted: part time marred girls
44. wanted: unwed girls tu pik fruit & produes at nite
45. wanted: sumwon tu go bak in time with me. This is not a joke.
46. we bild bodees that last a lifetime
47. we dont tare yer klothes with masheens. We duit kareful bi hand.
48. werk in dinomite faktree. Must be willing tu travel.
49. wi go elsweer tu be cheeted? Kum heer first.
klassified ad bloopers
50. widoer with kids want houskeeper. Must kontribute tu famlee groeth.
51. yuzed dentshuers, 2 teeth missing, like nu, 100$
52. yuzed kars. Wi go elsweer tu be cheeted? Kum heer first.
53. yuzed toilet paper for sale
54. yuzed toomstone, perfekt if yer name is Homer HendelBergenHeinzel, limit:1
252. bloopers, akseedent reports, inshuer klaems
1. 1 weel went intu a ditch. Mi foot jumped from the gas petal,
kross lanes, off other side , & jammed in a tree.
2. A bull gored mi kar
3. A hedj spranj up, hid mi site, I didnt see the other kar.
4. A kar kollided intu mine without giv intent.
5. A kow wandered intu mi kar. Later sumwon told me the kow is a half wit.
6. A nonseeabel kar kame outta noweer, hit me, then went bak intu noweer.
7. A pedestrian hit me & went under the kar.
8. A truk bakked thru the windsheeld intu mi wife's faes
9. A woman tried tu pass me & apparentlee didnt miss
akseedent
10. akseedent kauzed bi other man narroelee missing me
11. akseedent was due tu a bend in the roed
12. As I approached the intersekshun, a stop sine suddenly appeared
weer no stop sine had ever appeared b4. I didnt stop in time.
13. going tu the dokter with bad reer end trubel. Mi Yuniversal joint gave wae.
that kauzed akseedent.
14. he didnt no wich wae tu go, so I hit him.
15. he was all over the roed, so I had tu swerv several times b4 I hit him.
16. I drove 40 yeers wen I fell asleep.
17. I drove outta the drivewae & hit a bus. It was 5 minuts erlee.
18. I hit a stationary tree
19. I left mi kar alone a fyu minuts & it ran awae
akseedent
20. I looked for the sine, but the more I looked, the more I didnt find it.
21. I misjudjed a woman krossing the street
22. I pulled awae from the side av the roed,
looked at mi mother-n-law, & drove intu the ditch.
23. I ran intu a shop windo & sustaened injurees tu mi wife
24. I ran intu a stationary kar kuming the other wae
25. I saw a slo-muving, sad-faesed man as him bounsed off mi hood.
26. I thot mi windo was down, so I put mi hand thru it.
27. I told the other idiot wot him be, then left
28. I tried tu bring mi kar outta a skid bi drive it intu the other kar.
29. I tried tu hit a fli, but hit a fone pole
akseedent
30. I was driving mi kar outta the drivewae the yuzyual wae.
It was hit bi other kar in the same plaes it was hit several times b4.
31. I was nokked out, took tu hospital, weer I had bad herts.
32. I was on mi wae tu the dokters with reer-end problems.
The universal joint gave wae & kauzed akseedent.
33. I was shuer he wood never make it tu the other side wen I hit him.
34. I went skeeing & a tree got in mi wae & I hit it
35. If the other driver had stopped a fyu yards behind self, it wood not hav happened.
36. Indirekt kauz av akseedent...littel man in littel kar with big mouth.
37. kumming home, I drove intu the rong hous & hit a tree I dont hav.
38. lite post hit mi kar & hert it
39. Man on foot hit mi kar & went under it
akseedent
40. Mi kar was legally parked as it bakked intu the other kar.
41. nonseeabel truk narroelee missed me & kauzed akseedent
42. other man chaenjed his mind, so I had tu run over him.
43. plentee av onlookers but no witneses
44. rats ate the kar seet, willfulllee
45. The fone pole was approaching fast. I tried tu swerv outta the wae, but it hit me.
46. The gie on foot didnt no wich wae tu go, so I ran over him.
47. The gie was all over the plaes. I had tu swerv several times b4 I hit him.
48. Tu avoid hit the bumper av the kar, I hit the pedestrian insted.
49. water in mi radiater froze bi akseedent at midnite
50. wen I saw I koodnt avoid hit the other kar,
I stepped on the gas & hit him.
253. bloopers...cherch, relijun
1. 8 nu choir robes needed du tu nu members & deteereashun av old 1's.
2. 8th graders will present Shakespeers' Hamlet. All invited tu see this tragedy.
3. an evening av fine dining, super fun, & graeshus hostility.
praer & medatashun after.
4. attend and heeve a helthy lunch.
5. Barbara is in the hospital & need blood doners for transfushuns.
Her also hav trubel sleeping & ask for tapes av Father Jak's sermons.
6. Basketball teem in akshun. Kum watch us kill Krist the King. [maby it shood be "murder"]
7. Been supper Tuesdae Evening. Muzik tu follo.
8. Beet the Christmas rush, kum tu cherch this Sundae.
9. Bibel study Thursdae at 10am. All ladies R invited in Felloship Hall after the B. S.
cherch bloopers
10. cherch ladies hav kast off klothes av evree kind. See em in the basement Fridae.
10. choir triouts. Em need all the help em kan get.
11. dont let werree kill yu off. We kan help.
12. for yu with kids & dont noit, nurseree downstaers.
13. god will forgiv mi shins
14. him singing in the park at 7pm. Bring a blanket & kum preped tu sin.
15. I dont aksept sum av the konsepshuns in that cherch
16. I dont understand "yu shood never stone the first kast"
17. I thank our hous is haunted bi ded goets
18. if yu dont beleev in god, yer spit will gotu hell
19. Irving Benson & Jessee Karter maereed on 24 Oct in the cherch.
So end a freendship that started in theer skuel daes.
cherch bloopers
20. Jesus lived during the Roman Kathlik Empire
21. kontrol yer animal orgies
22. kum heer Beltha Belch all the wae from Afrika
23. lo esteem support gruep Thursdae at 7pm. Yuze the bak door.
24. make pees meet tudae kanseled du tu konflikt
25. Miss Sharleen Mason sang "I will not pass this wae agin"
gave obveeus pleshuer tu the kongragashun.
26. Moses klimbed intu a mountin, then red gods 10 rules from the top
27. most folks hav the relijun av theer parrots
28. nu tith pledj: "I upped mi pledj, up yers".
29. our cherch hav smaller members eech week
cherch bloopers
30. Paster will appresheate it if the ladies will lend theer elektrik girdels....
31. plees put yer donashun in the envelope with the ded persun yu want tu remember
32. Rekter will preech his farewell sermon. Then choir will sing "Brake forth intu Joy".
33. rummage sale. Its yer chans tu get rid av stuff around the hous.
Dont forget yer husband.
34. sermon this morn: Jesus walk on water; this evening:serch for Jesus
35. skouts save aluminum kans & resiekel stuff. proseeds yuzed tu krippel kids.
36. smile at sumwon hard tu luv. sae "hell" tu sumwon yu dont like.
37. the 30 larjest relidjus leeders met....
38. the bad army tried tu folle em in the land av milky honey land.
but koodnt walk on water & sank.
39. the Romainians had stronger arm & thus kontrolled the judists
cherch bloopers
40. thees roes rezerved for parents with kids
41. Topik tunite: "wot is hell". Kum erlee & heer the choir praktis.
42. wate watcheers at 8pm. Yuze the dubel doors at side entrans.
254. bloopers, famlee...parents, kinfolk, wedding, dates, freends
1. a byuteeful woman kut mi ie
2. dont no if him will propose, but I'm expecting
3. him hav such a worn hart
4. I eet lunch at skuel, but momma make me suffer [make supper for me]
5. I fell in luv with her wen I first sawed her [seed]
6. I no wen him lie...him breed faster
7. I thank her wanna spit up me [split up with me]
8. if he's the best man, how kum him not geting wed?
9. inklude yer kids wen yu bake kookees
famlee bloopers
10. kupel took the vowels av maeraej
11. me & mi girlfreend got enraged last nite
12. mi bed hav 3 blankets & mi parents gav me a large gilt
13. mi boyfreend is a eunuch persun
14. mi father hafta weer xpensiv biz dresses tu werk
15. mi father is 1 av mi faverit parents.
16. mi father is a hily rank guvt offishal
17. mi father met me at the aerport & gave me a big hog; then hogged mother.
18. mi mother bot me snakes so I woodnt live
o, yu meen her bot snaks so yu woodnt leev
19. mi mother is amazing...her had a baby 7 times
famlee bloopers
20. mi mother is an inferior dekorater
21. mi mother want me tu marry a good, suksessful man, i wanna wed mi boyfreend.
22. mi parents pae me tu study far awae from em [???? awae at kollej???]
23. mi relashunship with mi ax girlfreend hert
24. out wedding will last til we die
25. she smelling widely at mi joke [wide smile]
26. shes glad her got marinated
27. so nervus, him started tu paint in front av evreewon
28. strong kemikal reakshun tween us
29. we was 2 sheeps passing in the nite
255. English mistakes... goofs bi foriners & em with limited english
1. 2 kups av ground flowers [flour]
2. cheerleeders thru up hi in the aer
3. chop all vegetarians intu littel peeses
4. du yu like koffee kreemated?
5. em are like traveling bi bus [em went bi bus]
6. feel free tu kontakt me if yu kauz problems
7. how far shood I tip the driver?
8. hungree? I hav dirty toes in mi bakpak [bag av doritos]
9. I am so eeger tu mate yu.
english mistakes
10. I didnt like mushrooms. Now em start tu gro on me.
11. I eet lunch at skuel. At nite mi mother make me suffer [supper]
12. I get up at 7, kleen mi tooth, hav brakefast, gotu werk
13. I had a littel ass-dent, but im ok
14. I had goos pimps all over mi body
15. I hav a kinky nek
16. I havent had NE male for a month
17. I like the opposit tu sex
18. I tripped all the wae tu hawaii
19. I was walking outside wen a big shower fell on me
english mistakes
20. is it danjerus tu smoke wile yu bekum pregnant?
21. kold is kauzed bi mikro-orgasms in yer nose
22. large gruep av mad mops attaked the kops.
23. like mi food? Made it bi skratching.
24. mae yu be full av it this holidae seesun.
25. me & brother share a small womb in the basement
26. me & mi girlfreend got enraged last nite
27. mi bed hav a large gilt mi parents gave me.
28. mi father met us at the aerport & gave me a big hog, then hogged mi wife.
29. paper sed theer R oenlee 5000 beers left.
maby we shood oenlee let very small folk go beer hunting.
english mistakes
30. put the kabbage in water. Then sit in sink til morn.
31. raen make old kars lust. Wons it start lusting, yu kant stop it.
32. relashunship with mi ax girl is so paenful
33. remember tu insult the suep
34. shood I hav a koma in the middel av the sentens?
35. theer was a massage on the fone anser masheen
36. waeter, pleez bring me sum kidnaps
37. We hated eech other for a long time. Now I want tu borro the hatchet
38. We liv on the sex floor. small room but good vyu.
39. wen a volkan xplode, tons av larva bury the sitee
english mistakes
40. wen dun kooking, find bowel & eet it with chopstiks
41. yu kant sleep with me, its 2 krowded. Sleep with mi sister
thats wot mi freends du wen em visit.
256. bloopers, guvt krats (sivil servis, not elekted ofishals)
letters from guvt
note...politikal stuff is under "seleb"
1. "Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.
Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
257. bloopers, histree...student ansers
1. Abraham Linkoln was Amerika's gratest preseedent.
His mother died wen her was a baby.
Abe was born in a log kabin him bild with his oen hands.
He rote the Gettysberg address wile riding on a traen on the bak av an envelop.
He sined the emasculashun proklamashun.
In 1865 he went tu the theater
& was shot in the seet bi an akter in the muvee pik sho.
2. Amerika started in the Renaissans.
Later the pilgrums krossed the oeshun. That was pilgrum progress.
The winter av 1620 was hard on the settelers. Many died &
many babees was born. Jon Smith was responsabel for this.
3. Bach was the most faemus komposer & so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, half English.
Bach died from 1750 tu present.
Beethoven was so def, he rote loud muzik.
Beethoven expired in 1827 & later died from this.
4. Christofer Kolumbus found Amerika bi cursing around on his ships....
5. Delegates from 13 states formed the kontented kongres.
Tom Jefferson, a virgin, Ben Franklin was 2 singers.
Franklin went tu Boston with all his klothes in his pokket &
2 loafs av bred under his arms.
He invented elektrisity bi rub 2 kats bakward.
Franklin died in 1790 & is stil ded.
6. England was a limited mockery.
Queen Elizabeth exposed self b4 her troops.
Her navy defeeted the Spanish armadillo.
7. Fraero foersed the Hebru slaved tu make bred without straw.
Later em made unlevened bred=bred without ingrediants.
Moses went up on Mount Cyandee tu get 10 Kommands.
David was a Hebrru king skilled at plae the liar. He fot the Filatelists.
Solomon hav 500 wifes & 500 porcupines.
8. French Revolushun was dun b4 it happened.
9. In midevil times most was alliterat.
Willyun Tell shot an arro wile standing on his son's hed.
histree bloopers
10. In the first book av the bibel, Guinesses, Adam & eve was kreeated from an appel tree
11. In the middel aejes, King Alfred konkered the dames.
In the aej av shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops at the battel av Haestings.
Joan av Ark was kannonized bi Jorj Bernard Shaw.
Viktums av the blak deth groed boobs on theer neks.
Magna Karta sed free man kant be hanged 2 times for same offens.
12. magna Karta sed king kant order taxis less get parliament sae so
13. many folks in England wore beevers & other big rats like the French.
14. most beevers died & went tu Yerrop
15. most folks hav fake fur
16. nu pioneers ate all the barfalo
17. Olympik Games...Greeks ran raeses, hurled biscuits, thro the java.
vikter get koral wreeth.
18. Revolushunary War...The English put taks in theer tee.
Colonists won & no longer hafta pae taxis.
19. Shakespeer made littel munee & is oenlee faemus kauz av his plaes.
He lived at winsdor with his merry wifes. Rote tradjedees, komadees, & errers.
Hamlet releev self in a long silioguy.
Anuther riter was Cervantes hu rote "Donkee Hote"
Jon Milton rote "Paradise lost". His wife rote "paradise regaened".
histree bloopers
20. Sokratees was a faemus Greek teecher. Em killed him...died from overdose av wedlok.
21. the inhabitans av egypt was kalle dmmmees
Em lived in the desert & traveled bi kamelot.
22. the invenshun av the steemboet kauzed a netwerk av rivers tu spring up.
23. The konstitushun was adopted tu sekure domestik hostility.
Under the konstitushun, yu hav the rite tu bare arms.
24. The Renaissans was a aej wen indivuals felt theer value.
Gutenberg invented the Bibel.
Walter Rawlee invented sigs.
Fransis Drake circumsized the werld with a 100ft klipper.
25. The Romons konkered the Geeks. Em was kalled Romans kaus em keep muving around.
Julius Seesar extinguished self on the battelfeeld.
The Ides av March killed him.
26. The sun never set on the British Empier kauz it is in the eest & sun set in the west.
Queen Viktoria was the longest queen. Her sat on the torn 63 yrs.
27. Theer was no wars in Grees kauz the mountins was so hi.
Wen em fot the parisians, Greeks was outnumbered kauz Pershuns had more men.
28. without Greeks, we woodnt hav histree.
258. bloopers, legal...lawyers, krime, kort
1. he didnt want the flee bargin
2. he will spend 50 yrs going tu prisun
3. jury found him giltee av mothering the viktum
4. now him wont kill sumwon 2 time
5. nuzpaper sed him will get outta jael wen dun serving life sentens
6. the deffened ant entered
7. the deth av the viktum was fatal
8. the judj dressed the jury
9. the witnes held up her hand & swore at the bibel
259. bloopers...letters tu the guvt
1. find out if mi husband is ded. The man I liv with now kant du NE-thang til we no.
2. I am annoid yu brand mi boy illiterate. Its a dirty lie.
I was married tu his father 1 week b4 him was born.
3. I am glad tu report mi husband hu was reported missing is ded.
4. I dont hav NE kids as yet. Mi husband is a bus driver & werk nite & dae.
5. I forward mi maeraej sertifikut & 3 kids. 1 was a mistake as yu kan see.
6. I hav 8 kids. Wot R yu gonna du bout it?
7. I kant get sik pae. I hav 6 kids. Kan yu tell me wi?
8. I want mi munee as fast as I kan get it.
I hav ben in bed with mi dokter for 2 weeks. He dont du me NE good.
If thangs dont impruev, I will hafta get anuther dokter.
9. in akkord with yer instructions, I gave birth tu twins in the enklosed envelope.
10. in anser tu yer letter, I gave birth tu a 10 pound boy. I hope this is satiafaktree.
11. mi husband left me & I am in need av ass.
12. mi husband was laed off 2 weeks ago. I havent had NE releef sins.
13. mrs Jones dont hav NE klothes & is visited regular bi klergy.
14. pleez stop mi assistans. I got a job begging.
15. tu welfare offis. Mi baby was born 2 yeers ago. Wen du I get mi munee?
16. unless I get mi husband's munee pretty soon, I will be forsed tu leed a nonmoral life.
17. yu chaenjed mi littel boy tu a girl. Will this make a differens?
260. bloopers, medikal...
1. after yu die, yer body bekum rigorous
2. bekumming more demented with urinary frequensee
3. berning paen in his penis wich gotu his feet
4. bi the time he was admitted, the fast hart stopped & he felt better
5. both brests R equal reaktiv tu lite & akkomodashun
6. discahrj status: alive without permishun
7. evree nu dazeez giv him a chans tu enrich the anals av siens
8. genitalia exam...circus sized
9. genitalia exam...negativ sept for rite foot
medikal bloopers
10. get dr blank tu dispose av him
11. had frost bite av rite shue many yrs ago
12. had left toe amputated 1 month ago, left nee amputated last yr
13. helthy, dekrepid 69 yr old male, mentally alert but forgetful
14. her kant get pregnant bi her husband. I thot yu kan werk on her.
15. I otta be abel tu get this woman pregnant
16. I shooda gon tu the dokter 1 eer ago.
17. if yu start tu feel faent or dizzy, stop breething & relax
18. kasultee was xamined, x-rated, & sent home
19. last nite wile eeting I started joking.
mi freend hit me on the bak til I stopped.
medikal bloopers
20. lab results...nonnormal luver funkshun
21. left his wite blood sells at a different hospital
22. mael in bed with famlee in no distress
23. mi shues smell bad. I thank em hav athleet's food.
24. no histree av suisides
25. no rigor or chills, but husband sed her was very hot in bed last nite
26. numb from the toes down
27. okashunal, konstant, sumtimes hedakes
28. on dae 2 the nee was better, on dae 3 it disappeered
29. paeshent expired on the floor without event
medikal bloopers
30. paeshent hav chest paen if her lae on her side more than 1 yeer
31. paeshent histree...remarkablee insignificant, with 40 pound gaen in last 3 daes
32. paeshent is 79 yr old wido hu no longer liv with her husband
33. paeshent is depressed sins her started seeing me in 1983
34. paeshent kri a lot, and appeer depressed
35. paeshent left the hospital feeling much better, sept for her original komplaents
36. paeshent refuzed autopsy
37. paeshent releesed tu outpaeshent without dressing
38. paeshent was in good helth til plane ran outta gas & krashed
39. paeshent was tu hav bowel resekshun, but bekame stok broker insted.
medikal bloopers
40. prostrate kanser attak more men than wemen du.
41. rektal exam...thyroid ok
42. she faented & her ies rolled round the room
43. slipped on ies & her legs went in separate direkshuns in erlee Desember
44. sudden onset, seveer short av breth, pik av akute pulmonary oedena
at home wile having sex, wich gradually deteriorated in the ER
45. wen he stand, with help av wife, shood fall tu the floor
261. bloopers, nuzpaper hedlines...
1. 2 sisters reyunite after 18 yeers at chekout kounter
2. 2 soviet ships kollide, 1 die
3. 250,000 Chineez liv on water
4. blind woman get kidnee from dad her hasnt seed in yeers
5. Brits left waffels on Falkan Ilands [left weppons on Falkland Ilands]
6. deelers will heer kar talk at noon
7. def mute get nu heering
8. deth kauz lonelyness, feel isolated
9. dr Ruth tu talk bout sex with editers
nuzpaper bloopers
10. drunk drivers paed 1000$
11. drunks get 10 months in violin kase
12. enraged kow hert farmer with ax
13. Farmer Bill ded in hous
14. Grandmother av 8 make hole in 1
15. hi skuel dropouts kut in half
16. hospital sued bi foot dokters
17. Hous pass gas tax ontu senat
18. ie drop off shelf
19. if strike not setteled suen, it mite last a wile
nuzpaper bloopers
20. inklude yer kids wen yu bake kookees
21. Irak hed seek arms
22. jet krash, xperts sae sumthang rong
23. juvanile kort tu tri shooting defendant
24. kars kill 110/dae, lets du better
25. kid stool...grate in the garden
26. kid's deth ruin kupel's holidae
27. Klinton win budjet, more lies ahed
28. kold wave linked tu temperature
29. kops kampaen tu run down jaewalkers
nuzpaper bloopers
30. konvikts evade nues, jury hung
31. krak found on guvener's dotter
32. kupel killed, kops suspekt homiside
33. man fatally killed
34. man hit bi litening faes battery charj
35. Mexiko lawmen barbuqu gests
36. milk drinkers tern tu powder
37. miners refuze tu werk after deth
38. never withhold herpes from luved 1
39. Nikaragua goel...wipe out literasee
nuzpaper bloopers
40. NJ judj tu rule on nude beech
41. obesity study look for bigger test gruep
42. organ festaval end in smashing klimax
43. panda mating fael, vet take over
44. plane 2 kloes tu ground, krash probe told
45. prostatutes apeel tu pope
46. Queen Mary get bottom skraped
47. red tape hold up nu bridj
48. Reno tu extend Gore probe
49. safety xperts sae passengers shood be belted
nuzpaper bloopers
50. shef thro hart intu feed the needee
51. smokers R poduktiv, but deth kut theer effishentsee
52. squad help dog bite viktum
53. stold paenting found bi tree
54. Soviet virgin lands short agin
55. teecher strike idel kids
56. tifoon rip semetary, 100's ded
57. War dim pees hope
58. Will Kelly was fed sekratary
262. bloopers, renters notes tu landlord...
1. floor is damp. We hav 2 kids & want 3.
will yu send sumwon tu du sumthang bout this.
2. I find it hard tu swallo the dogs mess.
3. I request permisshun tu remuve mi drawers in the kitchen.
4. I rite on behalf av mi sink wich is running awae with the wall.
5. man next door smell
6. pleez fix kraked sidewalk. Mi wife tripped on it & is now pregnant.
7. send sumwon tu look at mi water. It look funny & taest bad.
8. the stove bakfired & berned off mi nob.
9. toilet blokked. Kids kant bath til kleer it.
10. toilet seet is broke in half in 3 plaeses
11. toilet seet is kraked. Weer du me stand?
12. walls...50% hav kraks, 50% R krumbling, other 50% R filthee.
13. will yu fix the bathtub tap? Mi wife got her toe stuk init.
263. bloopers, selebs & politikans (politishuns), politiks
1. a big bunch av mops attaked the kops [a mob ran wild]
2. "After finding no qualified kandidate for the position of principal,
the skuel bord is extremely pleezed to announce the appointment av
David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.
3. after mi tuer in Latin Amerika, I regret i didnt study latin harder in skuel
(Dan Quael)
4. China is a big kuntree with a lotta Chineez (Charles DeGaul)
5. diff tween Sli Stallone & me is I am me, he is him (Arnold Schwartzenegger)
6. dokters x-raed mi hed & found nuthang (Dizzy Deen, 1934, baseball plaer)
7. dont talk 2 much (Simon Kowell tu Pamala Abdul)
8. em gave me cheks. Didnt ask for deposits (Joe Erlee, D Mass)
US hous bank skandal
9. he didnt sae that. Him red it from a speech
(Richard Darman, boss av OMB, bout pres Bush)
seleb bloopers
10. I appresheate smarts, faeth, & devoshun in a man (iktoria Zdrak)
(tu splaen wi her wont date Donald Trump)
11. I ben up & down so many times its like a revolving door (Sher)
12. I didnt aksept it, I got it. (Richard Allen, National sekurity adviser tu Raegen)
2 Jap reporters gave him 1000$+watches tu arraenj a meet with Nansee Raegen
13. I didnt kommit a krime. I faeled tu kompli with the law (David Dinkens)
(NYS maer did not pae his taxes)
14. I gotu a lotta oversees plaeses, like Kanada (Britnee Speers)
15. I hav honarary dokters at ah, o god, sum littel kollej (Kelsee Grammar)
(kollej=U av Mass at Amherst)
16. I luv Kalifornya; I praktikally groed up in Fenix (Dan Quael) [fenix, Arazona]
17. I never had majer nee serjery on NE part av mi body (Winston Bennet, Kentuky basketball plaer)
18. I'm just a pilot hu fli aerplanes (Fransis G Power)
he was shot down wile fli U2 over Rushya
19. I'm tired av polees violins
seleb bloopers
20. it depend on how yu define sleep (Jon Hogan at Kommonwelth Edisun [lektrik kumpanee in Nu York])
guvt inspekters sed werkers in the kontrol senter weer asleep
21. Klinton menstruation was hard politiks in Amerika
22. "Models are like baseball players. We make a lot of money fast,
but all of a sudden we're 30 years old, don't have a college education,
not qualified for nothing, and we're used to a very nice lifestyle.
The best thing is to marry a muvee star"
Cindy Crawford to the BBC
23. polees offisers & theer weppons shood be loeded at all times
24. president selekt the supreem coal justis
25. R yu NE kin av yer brother Marv? (Leon Wood, TV komentater in NJ)
26. Rotarians, be patriotik, lern tu shuet self (from theer jernal)
27. smoking kill. If yer ded, yu luze a portant part av yer life. (Brook Sheelds)
28. sept for the killings, Wash DC hav 1 av the loest krime rates in US (Marion Barry, maer)
29. shuer, it'll kill a lotta folks, but em mae be dieing NE-wae
(Texas pestiside revyu bord, bout chlordane)
seleb bloopers
30. That skroundrel dezerv tu be kikked tu deth bi a jakkass,
& I'm the 1 tu duit (Texas, kanidate for kongres)
31. "The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the
Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes:
assassinate the President; hijak airliner; and murder government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
32. The streets av Filly R safe, sept for yu folks hu make it unsafe (Frank Rizzo, maer)
33. those hu died in the erthquake, theer lives will never be the same (Barbara Boxer, Kalif senater)
34. Tiger hu? Sorry, I dont no much bout Tennis (Christina Aguilera tu Tiger Woods (golf))
35. very xsiting erekshun, but Al Gore will luze it
36. we hav plenty av fossil fools
37. wen I saw her pik, I didnt need tu see her resume (Donald Trump)
38. wen I see poor starving kids on TV, I kood kri.
I'd luv tu be skinny like that, but not with flies, deth, & stuf (Mariah Kare)
39. yu kant let naecher run wild (Wally Hikkel, Alaska guvner)
264. bloopers, siens...student ansers on siens tests
1. 3 tipes av blood pipes...arterees, vanes, katerpillars
2. 3 tipes av rok...ignacious, metamorfik, sedentary
3. algebra was the wife av Euclid
4. alimentary kanal is in north part av Indiana
5. as the raen forest in the Amazon shrink, so du the indians.
6. b4 yu transfuze blood, see if it is affirmative or negative
7. biggest mammals R in the see kauz theer's noweer els tu put em.
8. blizzard...wen it sno sidewaes [true]
9. blood flo down 1 leg & up the other
blooper, siens
10. dinosaurs bekame extinkt kauz 2 big tu fit intu the ark
11. du form on leefs wen sun shine on em & make em swet
[sun on leef DU make em swet, but it evaporate, so leef dont get wet]
12. equater...a manageree lion that run around erth in Afrika
13. evaporashun get blamed for a lotta times yu forget tu put the kap bak on
14. for asfixeeashun...appli artifikal respiration til ded
15. for dog bite...put dog awae several daes. If its still sik, kill it.
16. for drown...klimb on top & jump up & down tu make prespiration
17. for faent...put hed tween the nees av a medikal dokter
18. for kold ...yuze agonizer, sprae nose til it drop intu the throet.
19. fossil is an extinkt animal. The older, the more extinkt
blooper, siens
20. full set av teeth...8 kanines, 8 kuspids, 2 molars, 8 kuspidors
21. genetiks splaen wi yu look like yer father, or if not, wi yu shood
22. Galileo sed erth is round & not vise-versa. Him dropped his balls tu pruev it.
23. germinate...naturalized German
24. gravity...sir Iaasik Walton diskuvered it [1 anser]
Iaasik Nuton invented it [different kid]
25. h20 is hot water, c02 is kold water
26. hoerspower...the energy it take tu drag a hoers 500ft in 1 sekond
27. houses in Frans R made av plaster-av-Paris
28. humans share a need for food, shelter, & sex with animals.
29. I dont no how klouds form, but the klouds no how, & thats wotz portant
blooper, siens
30. If kondishuns R not flaverabel, bakteria go intu adolescensce
31. kadavers R ded bodees that donate self tu siens.
This is kalled gross anatomy.
32. klouds R hi fliing fogs [true]
33. law av gravity sae no faer tu jump up and not kum down
34. lime is a green taesting rok
35. listen tu thunder & litening tu see how kloes yu kame tu get hit.
If yu dont heer it, yu got hit, so never mind.
36. liter...a nest av puppees [good ges]
37. liter...a nest av yung animals
38. magnet...sumthang that kraw over ded kats
39. many ded animals in the past terned tu fossils, others preferred tu be oil
blooper, siens
40. methane kum from berning trees & kows
41. migrashun...the hedake birds get wen em fli south.
42. milk ...tu keep milk from ter sour, keep it in the kow
43. monsoon...French gentelman
44. most books sae the sun is a star. But it no how tu chaenj bak in the dae.
45. munkee hav reprehensabel tael
46. mushrooms gro in damp plaeses, so em look like umbrellas
47. next week we xpeereeans the veneral equinox [spring]
48. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland kauz its not found in a free state
49. momentun...wot yu giv sumwon wen em go awae
blooper, siens
50. moon is a planet like erth but deder
51. oxygen molekules sumtimes help fire bern, sometimes make water
like brother ginst brother
52. parallel lines never meet unless yu bend em
53. pistol av flower protekt it from insekts
54. planet...a body av dirt surrounded bi ski
55. proteins R komposed av a meen old asid
56. quartz...2 pints
57. rabees...ju preests
58. respire hav 2 akts...inspire & expektore
59. rite angel=90 deg Farenhite
blooper, siens
60. rubarb...bloodshot seleree
61. safest sex is absens
62. senter av erth is under hi pressure
kauz theer R so many av us up heer stomping our feet
63. serkel...a line that meet its end without end
64. serkel is a figger with no korners & oenlee 1 side
65. sientists R hypothetikal
66. skeleton is wotz left after yu take off the outside, & take out the inside.
67. solushun...for most, solution meen tu find the anser
but for sientists it meen all mixed up
68. sound...fast osculashuns
69. spinal kolumn is a long bunch av bones. Hed sit on top & yu sit on bottom.
blooper, siens
70. sum kan tell time bi look at the sun, but I kant make out the numbers
71. sum roks hav fossil footprints av fish
72. super-saturated solushun hold more than it kan [true]
73. the period av gesticulashun is passed in Virjinya
74. therometer...instrument tu raes temperans
75. thunder...super soers av loud nois
76. tides R kaused bi a water fite tween erth & moon.
Moon dont hav water, but hav vakyuem so kant hold it.
I dont remember how the sun get intu this fite.
77. tu breeth out=expire, breeth in=inspire.
78. tu fume sulfer, hold a deekon over flame in test tube
79. tu make water, take evreethang from H tu O
blooper, siens
80. tu prevent kontrasepshun, weer a kondominium
81. vakyuem...big emptee spaes weer the pope liv
82. vakyuem...is nuthing. We menshun it so em no we no em R theer
83. vibrashun...moshun that kant make up its mind wich wae tu go
84. vitamins ...26 vitamins, but sum letters havent ben found as yet.
if yu find em, yu will liv forever.
85. volkano...a hole in ground that giv off molt & lava.
86. water is komposed av 2 gins...oxigin & hydrogin.
oxigin is pure gin; hydrogin is gin & water
87. water is melted steem
88. wemen repoduce 2 fast for mankind tu keep up
89. wen oxygen kombine with NE-thang, it giv off heet. This is konstipashun.
blooper, siens
90. wen yu smell odorless gas, its karbon monoxide
91. wind is like aer, but pusheeer
92. yuenyun av aeg & sperm is kalled desepshun
93. yunivers is 1 giant orgasm
265. bloopers, skuel...teecher, students, bad ansers on homewerk/tests
1. aft 4 yrs in kolledj, I kan now gotu grade skuel
2. during moon eklips, moon go round sun, prevent sun tu erth.
In a sun eklips, erth go round the moon.
3. during the winter, erth is hier up from the sun, so we hav longer daes.
4. evreedae I study hardly
5. gravity...diskuvered bi sir Iaasik Walton.
Most notisabel in fall wen appels fall off trees.
6. Gravity foers is stronger in oshean water & make it buldj up
7. harp=nude piano
8. Henree Pursel is the best-noed komposer nowon ever herd av.
9. Hubbel law for galazy redshift...it sae erth is the senter av the yunivers
skuel bloopers
10. I am studied hard in siens klass
11. I passed all mi testes this week
12. I plan tu graduate in 2004 yeers
13. I thank yueth-in-aesya [euthanasia] shood be legalized
14. I thot a tuer gide wood fit good on me
15. if the sun was a red dwarf,
it wood be no more portant than NE other star in our solar system
16. if this happens, astrology will no longer hav a sientifik basis
17. in the past, singers needed muzikans.
now we nav the synthesizer, so em plae with self.
18. Kleopatra took the Roman Empier 1 man at a time
19. kolledj kost a lot, but it kan help yu liv a bitter life
skuel bloopers
20. McBeth follo his wife's odors. Him kill king Dunkan on paej 14.
21. metafor...sumthang yu yell thru at football game
22. Mi erleeest memree was in kindergarden, but I dont remember wot
23. monogamy...wood ancient egyptians yuzed tu make furniture
24. most komposers dont liv til after em die
25. muzik with 2 sing at same time is a duel
26. nu yeers potty was so boring
27. old muzik was rited bi Opus
28. pleez execute me for being late
29. prinsapal singer in 1800's opra wat pre-Madonna.
skuel bloopers
30. refrain=dont duit. Thus muzik refrain=the part yu better not tri tu sing.
31. Romeo & Julliet tell eech other em luv in the balonee seen
32. shakespeer was born in 1564, supossedly on his birthdae
33. shood I hav a koma in this sentens?
34. silioquy is a talk tween 1 persun
35. stadivarius=prehistorik animal
36. stadivarius sold his violins with no strings attached.
37. such behaevyer will get yu exploded from skuel
38. suiside was a wae av life for Hemingwae
39. Syrus McCormik demoed his automatik raper in 1830.
It throed 50,000 men outta werk.
skuel bloopers
40. thanks for tuting me
41. the skuel bord kut 15% off all teechers
42. the sun hav ben founded 4.5 bilyun yeers
43. the sun is the kleerest tu see from erth kauz it hav most animosity
44. the wae tu find the rite muzik kee...yuze a pitchfork
45. viruoso=muzikan with hi morals.
46. wen the sun go down, darkness lite the ski
47. without the moon, erth wood be frantik & wet
48. xampel av animal breeding...farmer mate bull that giv a lotta milk
with a bull that giv good meet
49. xpeerment results support the theory erth mae wons hav had life
50. yu kalled at a good time, I just walked intu the door
266. bloopers, sports
1. dont no. I never smoked Astroturf (Tug McGraw)
(reporter asked him if him prefer grass or astroturf)
2. em shoodnt thro at me. I got 5 or 6 kids (Tito Fuentes)
3. good nuz for England, Ian Bothams groin is bak (BBC radio announser)
4. half this game is 90% mental (Danny Ozark, Filly)
5. he's the man av the our, at this time (Don King)
6. him get up at 6am, no matter wot time it is (Lu Duva)
7. I dont kare wot the tape sae, I didnt sae it (Ray Malavasi)(football koech)
8. I dont like tu plae in the werld serees kauz I kant watch self plae (Reggee Jaksun)
9. I dont talk, kauz I talk 2 much (Joaquin Andujar)
sports bloopers
10. I dont wanna shuet mi mouth in mi foot,.... (Sherman Douglas)
11. I oe a lot tu mi parents, speshally mother & father (Greg Norman)
12. I quit skuel in grade 6 kauz av numoenya. I didnt hav it, I koodnt spell it (Rokky Graziana)
13. I won at evree level sept kollej & pro (Saquel O'Neel)
14. I wood not sae he's the best, but theer R nun better (Ron Atkinson)
15. if histree repeet self, I thank we kan spekt the same thang agin (Terry Venabels)
16. I'm a 4-weel dirve pikup kind av gie. Wife 2. (Mike Greenwell)
17. I'm gonna graduate on time, no matter how long it take (Pittsberg basketball)
18. I'm rich. Am I spoze tu hide it? (Lu Witaker, in stretch limo, durring 1994 baseball strike)
19. In the Minnesota game, I see Terry Felton [pitcher] releeved self on the mound
(sportskaster reed wire servis sheet)
sports bloopers
20. Its a part sellout (Skip Karay)(very small krowd kame tu see the game)
21. Its permanent, for now (Red Robert Kelly, tell em tu kall him "Bobby")
22. left hand, rite hand, dont matter. I'm amfibeeus (Charles Shakkelford)
23. mi handikap is I dont hav a big-nuff beer kooler for mi golf kart (Rik D'Amiko)
24. most av mi kleeshaes R not original (Chuk Nox)
25. NE-time we get more than 100 & em get less than 100, em almost alwaes win (Doug Kollins)
26. Shuer, I'm proud tu be an Amerikan (Steev Foster)
(Kanada kustom inspekter asked him if him hav NE-thang tu deklare)
27. Shuer, theer hav ben deths in boxing, but nuthang seereeus (Alan Minter)
28. snorkel...put big bottels on yer bak for good breth
yu shood hav big rubber feet
put glass over yer faes so yer ies dont get salted
jump on the oeshun
dont get water in yer snozzel
yu kan drown in water without danjer
29. sumtimes em rite wot I sae, not wot I meen (Pedro Guerrero)
sports bloopers
30. The leed kar is absolutlee yuneek, sept for the kar behind it wich is identikal
31. The Yankees R oenlee interested in 1 thang, & I dont no wot it is (Louos Polonia)
32. Theers 1 werd in Amerika that sae it all. That werd is "yu never no" (Joaquin Andujar)
33. this is a luvlee hoers. I wons rode her mother.
34. wen I was skineer, I hit better, putt better, see better.
sept for that, its the same (Homero Blankas)(golf)
35. wi kant we weer shorts? The wemen weer shorts. And we hav better legs (Greg Norman)
267. bloopers, translate English ads, slogans, frazes intu a forin tung
1. Branif: "fli in lether" [seets]
Mex= "fli naked"
2. Chevee...tried tu sell theer Nova kar in Mexiko
Mex="dont start" or "wont go"
GM adopted a diff name for Mex vershun
3. Coors..."tern it lues"
Mex= "suffer the running shits" (diareea)
4. Ford...tried tu sell Pinto in Brazil
Brazil...pinto is slang for "yer balls R tiny"
5. KFC... "finger likkin good"
China "eet yer fingers"
6. Klairol...nu kerling iron called "Mist Stik"
German for "mist" is "manuer" or "shit"...didnt sell good in Germany
7. Koke...in China, em chose the piktograf simbels that sound like "koko-kola"
that simbel meen "bite wax tadpole" or "femal hoers in wax"
Koke chanjed tu a simbel that meen "happy mouth"
8. Mikrosoft...Jap="if yu dont no weer yu wanna go,
we will make shuer gu get took"
9. parker pen "it wont leek in yer pokket & embarris yu"
Mex= " & make yu pregnant"
10. pepsi slogan "kum alive with Pepsi Jenerashun"
Chineez=Pepsi will bring yer ansesters bak from the grave
11. Perdu "it take a tuff man tu make tender chicken"
Mex="it take a stimulated sexy man tu arouse a chicken"
12. T-shirt make in Miami..."I saw the pope"
Mex="I saw the potato"
*************** trans 2...from forin tu english
1. beware av onkumming kares
2. carefully fall intu the river (warning sine)
3. danjerus, dont skru off (laptop puter)
4. dont put NE part av yer body in the krokadile pool (Tiland)
5. fasten seetbelt tu prepare for krash (Tokyo taxi)
6. kars will not hav interkoers in this bridj
7. keep Japan kleen, dont bern the firecheef
8. look: our nu baby is on the kar (bak windo av kar in Hong Kong)
9. pleez keep wild, loud babys outta the santuary (Mexiko)
10. sharp blade, keep outta kids (on nife)
11. stop! drive sidewaes [detuer in Japan]
12. tu kross street, push button at nite
13. unkleer power plant
268. bloopers, travel
1. how far shood I tip the waeter?
2. I heer Kalifornya is full av nude peeches.
3. I tripped all the wae tu Hawaii.
269. bloopers...wether
1. after the volkano, the town was full av asses
2. I had strong wind
3. if yu R in an erthquake, yu shood gotu the bathroom fast, its safer.
4. I'm unkonfortabel tudae, kant relax wen I am in heet
5. raen make kars lust. wons a kar start tu lust, yu kant stop it.
6. the kuntree is devastated bi a long trout
7. the waiter is kold & wet
8. theer was a litening strike & the ski got dark
9. this is tycoon seesun. 1 big 1 kan destroy a sitee.
10. wen a volkano xplode, milyuns av tons av larva kan bury a sitee.
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