A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain
For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld
Mark Twain...
1. 3 gifts...freedum av speech, free tu thank, & wisdum tu never du eether
2. 20 yrs from now, yu will be disapointed bi wot yu did not du (Mark Twaen)
3. a kat oenlee hav 9 lifes, a lie liv forever
4. a lie fli round the werld b4 truth kan put on its shues
5. a man av 40 hu iz a pesimist, no tu much
if him be a optimist, him no tu littel
6. a man hu liv a full life is redee tu die NE-time
7. a man with a nu idea is a krank unless him sukseed
8. a sane persun hide his reel pinyuns & pretend tu aksept publik pinyuns
9. Adam was lukkee, no mother-n-law
Mark Twain
10. Adam & eev had many advantanges. Maen 1 was: no teething
11. Adam wanted the appel kaus it was forbid, not kauz him wanted an appel
12. ads R the kloesest thang tu truth in a nuzpaper.
13. advertise make many small thangs big
14. aej is a matter av mind over matter. If yu dont mind, it dont matter.
15. after yu eet, the true man sho
16. aknawledj yer faults. This thro off the krats so yu kan duit agin.
17. akseedent is the name av all grate inventers
18. akshun speek louder than werds, but neer as often.
19. all jeneralizashuns R fawls, that inklude this.
Mark Twain
20. all men worship munee
21. all yu need in life is ignorant & konfident, then sukses is for shuer.
22. alwaes du rite. This gratifi sum & amaze others.
23. av the wise, theer R 2...1 kommit suiside, 2 stae drunk all the time
24. banker lend yu umbrella wen sun shine & want it bak wen it raen.
25. be good & yu will be lonely
26. Be kareful wen yu reed helth book. Yu mae die av a misprint
27. be thankful for fools. Bekauz av em, yu kan sukseed
28. be virchuus & yu seem essentrik
29. best wae tu cheer up self is tri cheer up sumwon els
Mark Twain
30. best wae tu tell if yu like sumwon: travel with him (Mark Twaen)
31. best wepon av human raes=laff (Mark Twaen)
32. better broke promis than nun.
33. better tu giv than tu get, even better tu giv advise (Mark Twaen)
34. clothes make the man. Naked men dont influens sosietee
35. de-nile is not just a river in Egypt
36. different pinyuns make hoers raeses
37. diligens is good, but take-it-eezee is restful
38. Dog is a gentelman. I hope tu gotu his heven, not mans
39. dont giv up yer illushuns. Yu kant liv without em.
Mark Twain
40. dont go around saeing the werld oe yu a living. It dont; it was heer first.
41. dont let skulin interfer with yer lernin
42. dress messy is yu want, but keep tidy sole
43. du rite(the rite thang)...this gratifi sum & amaze the rest
44. du yer duty tudae, repent tumorro
45. eet wot yu like & let the food fite it out inside (Mark Twaen)
46. eezee tu endure adversity...I meen other mans.
47. eezeeer tu stae out than tu get out
48. em R mi prinsapals. If yu dont like em, I hav others
49. Englishman duit kauz him did it b4. Amerikan kauz him didnt.
Mark Twain
50. evreethang repeet with regular period
51. evreewon hav a dark side him never sho
b. evreewon is a moon & hav a dark side
52. evreewon talk bout the wether but nowon du NE-thang bout it
53. Faeth=beleev wot yuno aent so
54. Fakts R stubborn, statistiks pliabel
55. fame=akseedent, a gas folloed bi obliveeun
56. fameelyer breed kontempt...& kids (1935)
57. feed a starving dog, it wont bite yu.
this is the dif tween man & dog
58. fikshun gotta stik tu the posabel. Truth dont.
59. finest klothes is yer skin, but society demand more
Mark Twain
60. First God made idiots. That was praktis. Then him made skuel bords
61. first half av yer life yu kan hav fun but dont get a chans
2nd half yu hav the chans but kant duit
62. fizikal keraej is kommon, moral keraej rare
63. folks born tu be hanged R safe in water
64. forgiv is the smell the flower put on the heel that krushed it
65. freendship will last a lifetime as long as yu dont ask for munee
66. fyu thangs R harder tu put up with than a good zampel
67. Germany...dazeed werld's bathhous
68. get the fakts first. Then yukan distort em all yu want.
69. go tu heven for the klimat, hell for the kumpanee
Mark Twain
70. God made idiots. That was praktis. Then him made skuel bords
71. golf is a bad wae tu ruin a good walk
72. good freends, good books, sleepy konshens...the ideel life
73. grate men make yu feel like yu kan be grate 2 (Mark Twaen)
74. greef kan take kare av itself. Fun must be shared tu bloom full.
75. habit is habit. Dont thro it awae. Chaenj it a small step at a time.
76. histree is prejudised
77. I am never profane, sept wen talk av rent & taxes
78. I ben thru sum terrabel times, & sum av em actually happened.
79. I didnt attend the funeral, but sent note tu sae I appruved av it.
Mark Twain
80. I didnt like the plae, but me seed it under bad kondishuns...the kertin was up
81. I disappruve av duels. If sumwon challenj me, I'll kill him.
82. I dont giv a dam for a man hu oenlee spell a werd 1 wae.
83. I hav a big mind, sumtimes take 2 weeks tu make up mi mind
84. I kan liv 2 months on 1 kompliment
85. I kan tell wich is the front end av a hoers, beyond that, its beyond me
86. I must hav a lotta mind, kauz sumtimes it take a week tu make it up
87. I never let mi skuelin interfer with mi lernin
88. I noed many trubels, but most never happened
89. I seldum see opportunitee til it no longer is
Mark Twain
90. ignorant + konfident=sukses
91. if desire & oppurtunity kame tugether, we wood all hang (Mark Twaen)
92. if yer ignorant & konfident, suksess is for shuer.
93. if yu feed a dog, it wont bite yu...this is the dif tween man & dog.
94. if yu hav nuthang tu sae, dont
95. if yu karry a kat bi the tael, yu lern sumthang yu kant lern NE other wae
96. if yu tell a good tale, it bekum nonmortal
97. Im glad I kan anser prompt. Anser is: dont no.
98. Im pushing 60. Thats nuff xersize for me
99. in matters av pinyuns, our opponents R all mad (krazy)
Mark Twain
100. in Paris, em staered wen I spoke tu em in French
Me never got em idiots tu understand theer tung
101. invented quote hav good chans tu deseev
102. It is eezee tu kill truth & oft hard tu kill a lie
103. it oft seem a pity...noah did not miss the boet
104. it take 2 tu hert yu...an enemee tu slander yu & a freend tu tell yu
105. it take a long time tu rite an impromptude speech
b. it took me 3 weeks tu rite impromptude speech
106. Jorj Washington koodnt tell a lie. I kan, but wont.
107. kaliflower is kabbaej with kolleej skuelin (Mark Twaen)
108. kant depent on yer ies wen yer imajinashun is outta fokus (Mark Twaen)
109. keraej is master av feer, not absens av feer
b. keraej is resist feer, not absens av feer.
Mark Twain
110. Kindness...blind see it & def heer it
111. klassik...a book folks kood reed bu dont
b. ...a book yu gotta hav but wont reed (Mark twaen)
112. klothes make the man. Naked folks dont influens sosietee.
113. kustum...the less tu justifi it, the harder tu get rid av it
114. lie fli half wae round the weld b4 truth kan put on its shues.
115. life wood be hapeeer if we was born 80, then aej tu 18
116. loyal tu petrified pinyuns wont free NE-won
117. man...a kreechur God made at the end av the week wen him was tired (Mark Twaen)
118. man gotta appruve self b4 him kumfortabel.
119. man hav nasty mind
Mark Twain
120. man hu karry kat bit tael lern sumthang yu kant lern NE other wae.
121. man is most truthful wen him admit him lie.
122. man is never wise nuff that yu kant leed him bi the nose
123. man is the oenlee animal that blush. Or need tu
124. man is the oenlee kruel animal. Him hert yu for fun
125. man luv his naeber as self, then kill him if his theology is not strate
126. man must appruve self tu be kumfortabel.
127. man was made at the end, wen god was tired
128. man will du many thangs tu be luved.
man will du all thangs tu be enveed.
129. marterdum kuver many sins
Mark Twain
130. maxim: min sound, max sens
131. me dont like werk, even wen sumwon els duit
132. me dont yuze werds like "valetudinarian" kauz its not werth 2 sents
133. me get me xersize as pallbeerer for freends hu xersize
134. me woodnt join a klub that wood take me as a member
135. most desended from apes but redheds kum from kats
136. most in need av reform...others habits (1894)
137. name the gratest inventer...akseedent
138. never put off tu tumorro wot yukan put off tu dae aft tumorro
139. never speek tru tu em hu kant take it
Mark Twain
140. no sadder site than yung pessimist
141. nois dont pruve nuthang
142. nowon kan stand ginst a laff
143. nowon no wot luv is til 25yrs aft the wedding
144. nu yeers is a harmless institushun, dae av humbug resolushuns
145. nuthang is as annoiing as a good zampel
146. nuthang kan withstand laff.
147. obae ruels wen yung so yu will hav strength tu brake em wen old
148. oenlee thang sadder than yung optimist is old optimist
149. Oktober is 1 av the most danjerus months tu bi stoks
The others R July, January, September, April, November, Mae, March, June, December, August & Feb
Mark Twain
150. onest is the best polisee...if theer's munee init.
151. persun hu wont reed is no better than him hu kant.
152. persun with nu idea is a krank til the idea sukseed.
153. Pinyuns oenlee bloom wen yu tell em tu sumwon
154. pity is for the living, envy for the ded
155. prejudis diskoler our thots
156. publik is the oenlee kritik werth his pinyun
157. quote me as saeing I was misquoted
158. Radikals invent nu vyues, konservativs adopt em
159. rinkels sho weer the smile was
Mark Twain
160. round man wont fit square hole til yu giv him time tu chaenj his shape.
161. royaltee in NE form is an insult tu humans
162. saekred kows make the best hamberger
163. save us from the hope tree that dont bloom NE-more (Mark Twaen)
164. sekret tu life...be onest & deel faer
If yukan fake that, yu got it made
165. sinseer emoshun is not voluntary
166. Sivilizashun=limitless xpanshun av nonneeded wants
167. skuelin sho the wise how much him no & the dum how littel.
168. statemanship...get the formalitees rite, ignore moralitee
169. stop smoking is eezee. Me otta no. Me did it 1000 times
Mark Twain
170. stubborn pig-heded pinyun never broke a chaen or freed a sole
171. sum klaem theer is no dif tween man & ass...this rong the ass
172. suppose yu R in Kongres & suppose yu R an idiot. Wueps me repeet
173. Sweer now, yu dont getta in heven (Mark Twaen)
174. The braen is werthless for profeshunal werk
175. the charm av the forbidden make it desirabel (Mark Twaen)
176. the differens tween kat & a lie...kat oenlee hav 9 lives
177. The first half [av yer life] yu kan duit but dont get the chans
the last half yu hav the chans, but kant duit
178. the man hu dont reed books is as bad as him hu kant reed
179. the man looked onest nuff, sept for the natural villan look we all hav.
Mark Twain
180. the mark av the vane is how good em hide it (Mark Twain)
181. The most effektiv wepon is tu laff
182. the oenlee distinkt natural Amerikan kriminal Klas is Kongres
183. The oenlee xersize me du is sleep & rest
184. The over-refined R the most vulgar
185. the problem is not 2 many fools, its that litening is not spred out rite
186. the report av mi deth was exagerated
187. The silent werd is kapital, we kan invest it or squander it
188. The werld dont oe yu nuthan. it was heer first.
189. theer is charm tu the forbidden that make it desirabel beyond werds
Mark Twain
190. Theer R 2 times man shood not spekulate...
wen him kant afford it, & wen him kan.
191. thousands av jeenyuses liv & die not noed...bi self & others (Mark Twaen)
192. thunder impress, but litening du the werk
b.Thunder is impressiv, but litening du the werk
193. truth is most valueabel...thats wi we yuze so littel av it
194. tu du yer duty without paen, du sumthang yu dont wanna evreedae.
195. tu promis tu not duit is the most shuer wae tu make folks want tu duit
196. tri tu liv so even the undertaker will be sorry
197. truth is a most valuabel komoditee, so go eezee on how much yu yuz
198. truth is a straenjer, more than fikshun
ie...yu meet less truth than lies
199. truth is so valuabel, I tri tu yuze as littel as I kan
Mark Twain
200. truth will prevail. Sept it aent so. (1935)
201. tu chaenj a habit, yu gotta koex it a step at a time
202. Tu judj character, judj bi the standards av his time
203. Tu promis tu not duit is the most shuer wae tu make shuer yu gotta duit
204. tu protekt gaenst temptashun, koward is the best wae
205. tu sukseed...yu need 2 thangs...ignorans & konfidens
206. virchu is not as respetabel as munee
207. wagner's muzik is better than it sound
208. we gotta tell others R pinyuns tu get em tu bloom
209. we hav freedum av speech, freedum av konshens
and the prudens tu never praktis eether.
Mark Twain
210. we want yu tu speek yer mind, provided yu agree with me
211. weer wood we be without wemen? verree skaers
212. wen freends sae how yung yu look, yer getting old
213. wen humor krop up, irratashun & resentment slip awae (Mark Twaen)
214. wen I was yunger, I remembered evreethang, even wen not true
215. wen in dout, tell the truth
216. wen yer dun riting it, yu start tu see wot yu wanna sae (Mark Twaen)
217. wen yu kant deseev self, littel chans yukan deseev others
218. wen yu R on the side av the majority, time tu reform
219. wen yu R with the majoritee, stop & thank
Mark Twain
220. wen yu taest it, yuno wot angels eet
221. Werk & plae...diff wae tu look at same thang
222. Werk is a nesasaree evil tu be avoided
223. Werk like yu dont need the munee
224. Wit is short humor
225. wons a liberal weer-out his vyues, konservativs adopt em
226. yesterdae I wasnt werth 2 sents, tudae me oe 2 milyun $
227. yu kan dress kareless, but keep tidy sole.
228. yu kan teech flees tu du NE-thang a kongressman kan
229. yu kan tell German wine from vinegar bi the label
Mark Twain
230. yu kant depend on yer ies wen yer imajinashun is outta fokus
231. yu kant tern iron oer intu gold
232. yu lern a man's character from the adjektivs him yuze
233. yu sae its bad tu die. Straenj komplaent from folks hu never lived
234. yuze "dam" wen yu want "very"
editer will remuve it. Then it will be as it shood (Mark Twaen)
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