938. jael
1. eezeeer tu fall outta luv than get outta jael (Fran Lebowitz)
2. good freend bael yu outta jael.
true freend sit with yu and sae "boy that was fun"
3. gotu jael & get 3 hots & 1 kot
4. I feel like the fello in jael hu watch em
bild the hang form (DD Eisenhower, 1960)
5. ideas dont gotu jael. Senser & inquisiter alwaes luze (Al W Griswold)
6. in a ship is like jael with the chans tu be drowned (Sam Jonsun, 1770)
7. Jeffersun sed skuels make free men. We pruev him rite...
we put dropouts in jael.
8. kountee guvt proposed tu not bild NE skuels
1 farmer sed If no skuels, yu gotta bild more jaels (Mark Twaen, 1880)
9. make self yer palus, or the werld is yer jael (Jon Don, 1600)
10. no more independens in politiks than in jael (Will Rogers, 1920)
11. penaltee for laff in kort is 6 months in jael.
If not for this, jury wood never heer NE evidens (Henree L Menchken, 1920)
12. stae outta jael (Alfred Hitchkok)
13. tu warden, utopia=exkape pruef jael (Gregorn Nun)
14. ultimat sekerity is jael, slave laber kamp, salt mine
15. we ko-operate with the IRS.
We feel strong patriotik duty tu stae outta jael (Dave Barry)
16. woman: havnt seed yu for sum time
man : was in jael for kill mi wife
woman: then yer singel
17. Yu manipulate nuz, judj maniputae law. Lawyer keep krook outta jael.
Smart reporter kan ruin reputation av NE-1. (Mario Kuomo)
939. jak av all trades & master av nun
940. jeen... (Geens in krateez)
1. jeen pool kan yuze more chlorine
2. jeenokologee=chaes yer tael
941. jeenee... (genie in krateez)
1. 3 men stranded on small desert iland find a bottel & rub it.
out pop a jeenee hu grant eech 1 1 wish.
man 1:I wanna go home. puef, hes gon
man 2:I wanna go home. puef, hes gon
man 3:its lonelee heer all alone, I want the other 2 bak.
942. jeenyus... (genius in krateez)
1. jeenyus aem for wot others kant see
2. jeenyus hav limits, dum dont (Elbert Hubbard)
3. geenyus is 90% swet & 10% inspired (Tomus Alva Edisun)
4. jeenyus is a meteor that lite the aej as it bern up (Napoleon, 1771)
5. jeenyus is half mad (Seneka)
6. jeenyus is naw-eev (J VonSchiller)
7. jeenyus is sumwon like Norman Einstein (Joe Theisman) [joke]
8. jeenyus require a tuch av mad (Seneka)
9. jeenyus without {lernin, skuelin} is like oer left in the ground (Ben Franklin)
b. is like silver left in the mine(Ben Franklin)
10. jeenyuses R afflikted (Max Beerbohm)
11. kommon sens is instinkt, nuff av it is jeenyus (Jorj B Shaw)
12. more jeenyuses in a kraked pot (E B Wite)
13. most hav a brite idea 1 time/yeer, jeenyus more oft (Jorj Litenberg)
14. NE smart fool kan make thangs more komplex,
jeenyus make it eezeeer (E F Shumaker)
15. sum jeenyuses R konseeted, but not me.
16. talent du wot it kan, jeenyus du wot it must
17. talent hit target nowon els kan hit.
jeenyus hit target nowon els kan see (Arthur Shopenhower)
18. thousands av jeenyuses liv & die not noed...bi self & others (Mark Twaen)
19. unrewarded jeenyus is legendary
20. wen a jeenyus kum intu the werld,
yuno kauz all dummees orginize ginst him (Jonathan Swift)
943. jekyll & hyde...story (Robert L Stevensun, 1886) bout split personality
944. jelus... (jealousy in krateez)
see also...envee
1. 2 tipes av kalamitees...our misforchun, others good forchun (Ambrose Beers)
2. beware mi lord av jelus
the green-ied monster that mok
the meet it feed on (Shakespeer, Othello)
3. dont waest jellusee on a reel man (Jorj B Shaw)
4. envous die as many times as the enveed get praes (Baltasar Grasian)
5. envy is a waest av time
6. envy is dum...nuthang tu gaen from it (Onor deBalzak)
7. envy is ignorant (Ralf W Emersun)
8. evreewon pity the week. Jelus yu gotta lern (Arnold Swartzennaeger)
9. if yer not jelus, yer not in luv (St Augustine)
jelus
10. jelus...a littel enhans the savor
2 much spoil the pleshuer (Maya Angelo)
11. jelus=luv self (Fransis Rochefoukald, 1665)
12. jelus & luv R sisters (Russyun)
13. jelus is a da-zeez av the week
14. jelus is a dragon that kill luv (Havelok Ellis, 1947)
15. jelus is blind, not luv (Lawrens Durel, 1957)
16. jelus magnifi trifels (Jon von Shuller)
17. mi jelusee oft shape faults that dont be (Shakespeer)
18. moral indignaeshun=jelus with a haelo (H G Wells)
19. pity is for the living, envy for the ded (Mark Twaen)
jelus
20. the envus R konsumed bi envy (Antisthenes)
21. the jelus heer all (Bibel, Solomon)
22. the jelus trubel others, torment self (Will Pen, 1690)
23. trifels as lite as aer
tu the jelus, strong konfirm
as good as holy rit (Shakespeer, othello)
945. jenerashun... (generations in krateez)
1. eech jenerashun is a dif naeshun (Tom Jeffersun)
2. evree jenerashun revolt ginst its fathers & join its grandpas (Luis Mumford)
3. first half av our life, our parents ruin us
sekond half, our kids (Klarens Darro)
4. if yu dont talk in tune with the up-&-kumming yunjsters,
em ridikule yu (Horas Walpole, 1770)
5. in mi dae we didnt hav self-esteem, we had self-respekt,
but oenlee as much as we erned (Jane Hadden)
6. mite as well hav the ded tri tu speek tu the jung
for all the good it mite du (Willa Karter, 1940)
7. old man dont kare for yung mans wore (Sam Jonsun, 1770)
8. oldsters no wot em want. The yung dont no (Logan Smith, 1940)
9. parents talk bout the next jenershun
like em dont hav nuthan tu du bout it (Haim Ginot)
10. problem with the yung jenerashun...we R not NE-more
11. wot was good nuff for our fathers is not good nuff for us (Oskar Wild, 1890)
12. wot we see as luxree, next jererashun gotta hav (Tony Krosland)
946. jenral... (general in krateez)
1. I went tu a jenral store, but em dont sell NE-thang spesifik
947. jenralize...(generalize in krateez)
1. all jenralizashuns R fawls, inkuldding this 1
2. an idea is jenral (Jorj Hegel, 1810)
3. it is idiotik tu jenralize (Will Blake, 1800)
948. jerk yer chaen
949. jerkwater town
950. jernalism... (journalism in krateez)
1. evree jernalist hav a novel in him & thats the best plaes for it
2. get the fakts first, then distort em (Mark Twaen)
3. jernalism...the goel is tu fill spaes (Rebecca West)
4. jernalism=organized gossip (Ed Egelstone)
5. jernalism is not reedabel, literacher is not reeded (Oskar Wild)
6. jernalism tri tu explaen wot yu dont understand (Lord Northklif)
7. jernalist=grumbler, senserer, advies giver, regent, tuter av naeshuns.
I feer 4 hostil nuzpapers more than 1000 bayonets (Napoleon Bonapart)
8. jernalists dont liv bi werds alone, but mae hafta eet em (Adlai Stevenson)
9. litacher mae get reeded 2 times, jernalism 1 time
10. no nuz is good nuz. No jernalists is even gooder (Nik Bentlee)
951. jerry-bilt=put up fast & sloppy
952. jig is up
953. job...
see also...werk
1. adults ask kids wot em wanna be wen em gro up
kauz em look for ideas (Paula Poundstone)
2. best time tu start thanking bout retire...B4 the boss duit for yu
3. chuez a job yu luv & yu never du a dae av werk in yer life (Konfushus)
4. chuez a job yu wood du even if yu didnt need munee (Will L Phelps)
5. du the nonposabel & the boss will just pile more werk on yu (Doug Larson)
6. executive abilitee...how fast kan I find sumwon tu du the werk?(Jon G Pollard)
7. find a job yu like & yu add 5 daes tu evree week (H J Brown)
8. I didnt luze mi job, I no weer it is & hu hav it now
9. if boss ask wi yu was late & yu sae yu had a flat tire,
next morn yu WILL get a flat.
job
10. if yu dont hav problems on the job, it is a hobby (Ronald Dun)
11. its werk oenlee if yu wanna du sumthang els (James M Parree)
12. job half dun is half-baked
13. job test...how much yu luv drudgery (Logan P Smith)
14. like the job & yu du good werk (Aristotel)
15. many hav BS, MS, PHD but no JOB. (Fats Domino)
16. memo is tu protekt the riter, not tu inform the reeder (Deen Acheson)
17. more R killed bi overwerk, its not werth it (Rudyard Kipling)
18. nervus brakedown...1 simptum yu thank yer job is portant (Berstrand Russel)
19. nowon ever listened self outta job (Kalvin Koolidj)
job
20. sit-down job pae more than stand-up job (Ogden Nash)
21. the job av a manager is tu remuve obstakels (Skot Adams)
22. take this job & shuv it
23. the kloesest tu perfekt yu get
is wen yu fill out job appli form (Stanlee J Randal)
24. traen stashun=weer the traen stop. Werkstashun=weer werk go.
25. overwerk is so bad, executives drop like
flies on the golf koerses (Ira Wallach)
26. we pretend tu werk kauz em pretend tu pae us.
27. werk xpand tu fill all time (Parkinson, 1958)
28. wot the werld need=more luv, less paper-werk (Perl Baelee)
29. xpert...him made all posabel mistakes in very narro feeld (Neels Bohr)
30. yu gotta hav a job tu hav fun (Lie HUnt)
954. join...
1. sumtimes yu gotta join the parade tu get weer yu wanna go (Chris D Morlee)
955. joke, part 1=skolar quotes
1. dont thank politiks is a joke? yu R part av the problem (Jon J Chapman, 1890)
2. freend laff at yer joke wen its not good
listen tu yer problem wen its not bad (Arnold Glasgo)
3a I dont rite jokes, me watch guvt & report it (Will Rogers)
b no trik tu rite jokes, the hole guvt duit for me (Will Rogers)
4. I hope life is not a big joke I dont get (Jak Handee)
5. optimist thank theer will kum a time wen no more jokes bout optimists
6. plae a joke on him hu like tu argyu...agree with him (Ed How, 1900)
7. problem with politikal joke...em get elekted (Henree Kate)
8. sex is god's joke (Bet Davis)
9. The Irish gave bagpipes tu the skots as a joke
Skots hav yet tu figger out the joke (Oliver Herford)
10. truth is the funneeest joke in the werld (Jorj B Shaw)
11. wen em make a joke, its a law; wen em make a law, its a joke (Will Rogers)
[subjekt=kongres]
12. yesterdaes krisis is tumorros joke (H G Wells, 1900)
956. joke part 2=zampels... (exampels in krateez)
1. 2 eskimoes in kayyak got kold, so 1 lite a fire, boet bern & sink.
just go tu sho yu kant hav yer kaiyak & heet it 2.
2. 2 fish swim intu a dam. 1 tern tu other and sae "dam".
3. 2 hydrogen atoms meet. 1 sae "I lost mi elektron". 2 sae "yu shuer?"
"yes, I'm positive"
4. 3 gies walk intu a bar. Wi didnt gie3 duk?
[gie 2 mite be a littel slo after him see gie 1 bump intu the bar]
5. a blond & a brunet jump off bilding. Wich hit ground first?
the brunet...blond had tu stop tu ask direkshuns.
6. a onest politishun, kind lawyer, & Santa walk down street & see a 20$ bill.
wich 1 piked up the 20$?
Santa...the other 2 R imajinary.
7. anatomy...evreewon hav it, but look better on wemen.
8. dirty joke: pig jumped intu his slop.
9. a vulture get on aerplane wiht 2 ded rakkuens.
Steward sae "Sorry, oenlee 1 carrion per passenger"
****** did yu heer...
10. Buddist refuzed Novokaen for a root kanal...want tu transend dental meditashun.
****** dokter, ners, hospital, medasin
11. dokter: bad nuz...yer gonna die in 1 week.
badder nuz...I was spozed tu tell yu last week.
12. ners : theers an nonseeabel man in the waeting room
dokter: tell him I kant see him tudae
****** drink joke...
13. problem drinker...sumwon hu dont bi drinks for the hous
14. du yu smoke after sex? dont no, du yu smell smoke?
15. even wen Im naked, I wanna slip intu sumthang kumfortabel
****** god jokes...
16. girl draw pikchuer in klass. Teecher ask wot her draw? ans: god
teech: we dont no wot god look like
girl: yu will wen I get dun
****** jokes, him...
17. him hu laff last, didnt get the joke
****** jokes, how
18. how did him get intu the jeen pool? lifegard was asleep.
18. how did the dinosaur kross the roed? Tripped over a kar.
19. how many du yu need for a mafia funeral? 1
20. how many IBMers du it take tu skru in a lite bulb?
100, 10 tu duit, 90 tu du the paperwerk
21. how many jernalists du it take tu skru in a lite bulb? 3
1 tu report bout inspired guvt program tu bring lite tu the masses
2 tell bout diabolitikal guvt plot tu deprive the poor av theer dark
3 win pulitzer prise bout how lektrik kumpanee assassin broke the lite bulb
22. how many Marshuns du it take tu skru in a lite bulb? 1.5
23. how many normal men du it take tu skru in a lite bulb in San Fransisko?
both av em
24. how many Oregon-uns du it take tu skru in a lite bulb?
3...1 tu duit, 2 tu fend off the Kalifornya-uns hu wanna share it
25. how many Zen masters du it take tu skru in a lite bulb?
0...the yunivers spin the ball & master stae outta the wae
26. how R marriage & tornado alike? start with big blo, end up luze the hous.
****** if
27. If need is the mother av invent, huz the father? starv.
****** lawyer joke...
28. lawyer 1: yer a cheet
lawyer 2: yer a lier
judj : now that yu identified self, lets get on with the triel
****** jokes, miss...
29. kan Februry march? no, but April mae.
30. kan yu kiss a nun? yes, but dont get intu the habbit.
31. man: mi wife hav kontrakshuns evree 2 minuts [from reel 911 tape]
dispatcher: is it her first kid?
man: no yu idiot, her husband.
32. mi kow died last nite, so I dont need yer bull
33. most danjerus part av a kar...the nut behind the weel
34. most effishent munee-redueser...woman
35. old jokes dont die, just sound like it
****** jokes, relijun (see also...god)
36. sum friars was behind on the belfry paements & open flower shop tu raes munee.
Rival flower shop hire Huge McTaggart
(vishus thug) tu "persuade" friars tu stop.
Huge beet up friars, trash shop, & threten more. Em giv up
This pruev oenlee Huge kan prevent flower friers.
37. sientist: wi duit werk?
engineer: how duit werk?
akkountant:how much?
artist: du yu want fries with that?
38. waeter, theer's a fli in mi suep.
wot cha want me tu du, kall a life gard?
39. want brakefast in bed? sleep in the kitchen.
40. wi did yu put the mime in the fridj?
A mime is a terrabel thang tu waest (Evil Jeenus)
****** jokes, pun
41. if yu send 10 puns tu a freedn tu tri tu make em laff, & 1 duit:
pun in 10 did
****** werk
27. I werked in oraenj juis faktree, but got kanned...koodnt konsentrate
koffee shop was such a grind
tried job as historian, but found no fyucher init
then tried muffler shop, but it was 2 exhausting
****** jokes, wi...
42. wi dont yu see lawyers at the beech? kats kuver em up with sand.
43. wi du em kall it PMS? kauz mad kow dazeez was took.
44. wi is it so kold for Kristmas? kauz its Desemberrrrr.
45. wi kant a bike stand alone? 2 tired
46. wi men R happier...
1 mood (same mood), all the time
1 paer av shues is plentee
5 dae vakaeshun=1 suitkase
bellee hide yer hips
choklat is just nuther snak
du Christmas shopping for 25 on 24 Desember in 15 minuts
du naels with pokket nife
if em dont invite yu, yer stil freends
kan gro mustach
kan plae with toys, even if 90
never get pregnant
oenlee hafta shave faes
oenlee part in wedding=sho up
open jars [dont hafta get help]
shopping: 5 minuts
shues dont mangel yer feet
talk on the fone 30 sek
underweer: 3 for 5$
wedding dress: 5000$, rent tux:50$
weer shorts no matter how the legs look
yu kan be president
yu kan pee NE-weer
yu keep yer name
****** wife jokes...
47. wife: I just won 10 milyun$ in the lottery. Pak yer klothes.
man: shood I pak for a warm klimat?
wife: pak everythang, yer muving out
****** jokes, wot...
48. wot did the fish sae wen it hit the wall? dam.
49. wot du disney & viagra hav in kommon?
yu waet around an our for a 90-sek ride.
50. wot du yu get wen Santa kum down chimney wen the fire bern?
krisp Kringel
51. wot du yu kall sumwon hu dont beleev in father Kristmas?
rebel without a klauz
52. wot du yu see wen doe-boy bend over? donuts.
53. wot is 2+2? normal persun...4
akkountant...probablee 3 or 4, let me run it thru the spredsheet agin
lawyer...draw all blinds, tern off lites & sae "wot du yu want it tu be?"
54. wot happened wen Jesus went tu mount Olive? Pop-pie beet him up.
55. wot is Amerikan in the bathroom? peeing.
wot is Yeropeon in the bathroom? rushin.
56. wot tipe is eezeest for serjun tu kut open?
the French...no guts, no hart, no balls,
no spine & kan interchaenj hed with ass.
****** jokes, wotz...
57. wotz a lite yeer? 30% less kalorees this yeer
58. wotz dif tween husband & boyfreend? 45-50 minuts
59. wotz dif tween wife & girlfreend? 45-50 pounds
60. wotz in the brown paper bag?
a bottel av wine...got it for mi wife.
good trade
61. wotz the best wae tu get rid av a nois in yer kar?
leev her home
62. wotz the dif tween boor & abominabel bore? 20 minuts
63. wotz the dif tween yuzed-kar salesman & software salesman?
yuzed-kar salesman no wen him lie
64. wotz the longest werd? smiles...1 mile tween start & stop.
runner up is "pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovalcanoconiosis"
(medikal term for blak lung dazeez)
(medikal term for tubak virus is 1185 letters...yu dont wanna see it)
****** jokes, wotz 2
65. a: wotz mi favorit tipe av pie?
b: round
a: lukky ges
957. jon...
1. Jon Bull=British slang for "englishman" (Jon Arbuthnot, 1712)
2. Jon Doe =if yu dont no the name kall him "Jon Doe"
958. judj...
1. dont judj, for we all sin (Shakespeer)
2. em R wot we thank em tu be (Richard Kowper)
3. evreewon komplaen bout his memree,
but not his judjment (Fran Rochefoukald, 1665)
**** reel quotes from reel korts ****
4. Judj: banish all prejudishes and thots from yer mind, if yu hav NE
5. Judj: heer kerteeus, anser wise, konsider sober; deside faer (Sokrates)
6. Judj a man bi the quesshuns him ask, not bi the ansers (Voltare)
7. Judj eech dae bi the seeds yu plant,
not bi wot yu harvest (Robert Luis Stevensun)
8. Judj: giv me yer name, werk, and the charj
man: Spark, electrician, & the charj is battery
Judj: put him in a dri sell
man: thats shoking
9. judj not leest yu be judjed
10. judj prevent us from see under the serfus (Waen W Dier)
11. Judj: yu want a deevors kauz yer husband is kareless bout his appearans?
wife: he hasnt kum home in 4 yeers
12. yer judjment is rite, but yer reesun rong (Lord Mansfeeld)
959. judjment...
1. alwaes in demand...character, nawledj, judjment, helth (Robert Babsun, 1950)
2. at 20 the will rule; at 30, wit; at 40 judjment (Ben Franklin)
3. dont let passhun override judjment (Epicharmus)
4. evreewon komplaen bout his memree,
but not his judjment (Fran Rochefoukald, 1665)
5. evreewon prefer beleef tu judjment (Seneka)
6. good judjment kum from mistakes. mistakes kum from bad judjment.
7. good judjment kum from bad xpeerens
bad xpeerens kum from bad judjment.
8. good judjment kum from speereeans,
speereeans kum from bad judjment (Rita Mae Brown)
9. life is a judjment kall (Terree Guillemets)
10. mans judjment is so poor, him is at risk evreetime him yuze it (E W How)
11. Prejudus=pinyun without judjment (Voltare)
12. the older I get, the more I dout mi judjment
& more respekt others (Ben Franklin)
13. yer judjment is rite, but yer reesun rong (Lord Mansfeeld)
960. juel... (jewelry in krateez)
see also...gem
1. better diamond with flaw than perfekt pebbel (Chineez)
2. diamonds R girls best freend & mans baddest foe
3. diamonds R made under pressure (Peter Marshal)
4. fawls juels look more reel. Same for memrees (Salvador Dali)
5. gold! Brite & yello, hard & kold (Tom Hood)
6. gold tooth is the oenlee juel man kan weer & woman wont take (Grahm Green)
7. helth is reel welth, not gold & silver (Gandhi)
8. I dont want sumthang round mi nek werth more than mi hed (Rita Rudner)
9. juels kum from forchun, character is the reel person (Titus Plautus)
10. juels take theer mind off yer rinkels (Sonya Henee)
11. lifes juels R not strung on a strand (Will Morris)
12. many folks R like unkut diamond...shine under ruff outside (Juvenal)
13. perl is the queen av gems
14. spare moments R like unkut diamonds (Ralf W Emersun)
15. the oenlee karrot that interest me is in diamonds (Mae West)
961. jump...
1. jump outta the friing pan intu the fire
2. jump the gun=start erlee
3. jump tu a konklude
4. jump tu konklushuns is bad xersize
5. sumtimes yu gotta jump & bild wings on the wae down (Kobi Yamada)
962. jumppy as a kat on a hot tin roof
963. junk...
1. 1 mans junk is nuther mans treshuer
2. junk...yu keep it for yeers, then thro it out the dae b4 yu need it
964. jury...
1. jury=12 chuzed tu deside hu hav the best lawyer
2. jury rig...temp fix
965. just...
1. just a hop, skip, & a jump awae (not far)
2. just a stone thro awae
3. just dezerts (get yer just dezerts=get wot yu hav kummin)
4. just had a braen storm (got an idea)
5. just in time
6. just kauz a grate speeker orates a grate storm, dont meen him rite
7. just kauz dokter hav a name for it...dont meen him no NE-thang bout it
8. just kauz evreethang is different dont meen it chaenjed
9. just kauz "evreewon" duit dont make it rite
10. just kauz it iz kommon sens dont meen it is kommon praktis
11. just kauz nowon understand yu...dont meen yu R a artis
12. just kauz yer paranoid, dont meen em R not out tu get yu
13. just outta kerositee, did wot yu sae meen NE-thang?
14. just wen I was about tu adjust tu yesterdae, tudae kame
15. just wons, I wish we wood meet an aelien
that is not immune tu bullets (Dr hu)
966. justis... (justice in krateez)
1. 1 mous get intu trubel & all mouses R in trubel
2. 35,000,000 laws tu enfoers the 10 kommandments (Bert Masterson)
3. B4 yu remark other's sin, look inside self (Ben Franklin)
4. disklaemers pruev theer R 2 many lawyers (Erik Pepk)
5. if yu luv justis, dont watch it being made (Otto Bismark)
6. in kort, yer fate is in the hands av 12
tu dum tu get outta jury dutee (Norm Krosby)
7. korn kant spekt justis from kort made up av chickens
8. jeree=12 chuesed tu chuez wich lawyer iz gooder (Robert Frost)
9. justis delaed is justis denied (Wil Gladstone)
10. justis is a side effekt (Jon Hoover)
11. justis is not part av law & order (J Edgar Hoover)
12. justis is truth in akshun (Ben Disraeli, 1840)
13. justis win 3 times outta 7 (Mike J Wagner)
14. kriminals no theer rites gooder than theer rongs
15. Laff in kortroom=gotu jael 6 months.
if not for this, the jeree wood never heer NE evidens. (H L Menchen)
16. Many konfuze power with good & law with justis (Charles T Sprading)
17. Mersee beer richer fruet than strikt justis (Abe Linkoln)
18. More laws=less justis (Mark Tullius)
19. oenlee thang badder than suffer nonjustis is tu duit tu anuther (Plato)
20. the jeree mae hav 1 or 2 more giltee
than the man on triel (Shakespeer, meshuer for meshuer)
21. This is a kort av law, not kort av justis (Oliver W Holms)
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